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| My 2 crazies sampling out our homemade coco pops we made the other morning |
It is hard work being a mom to one child, never mind two. I chose to give birth to both boys naturally with no drugs of any kind and I followed the style of attachment parenting. Both boys slept in the bed with me for a long time and never in a cot: I wore them both in a wrap; I breastfed Noah for 15 months and I am still breastfeeding Elijah; I stayed home with Noah until he was 19 months and with Elijah I am fortunate enough to work within the family business so I only really work for a maximum of 3 hours a day. I know some moms aren't as lucky as I have been - they have no choice but to go back to a full-time job after maternity leave, they need to leave their small babies with a caregiver, they're not able to breastfeed and they choose to have their child be in their own room. There have been many times over the years where I wish I had done that because being at home with your children almost all day everyday can make me feel like I have no other purpose in life than being a mother and although I love to "mom", I am more than that.
It took me about 3 years after Noah was born to get myself out of the haze that is motherhood sometimes, and re-find myself. I was back at work, my husband Darin and I were a "couple" again and I was finally back on my mat. Then I fell pregnant with Elijah and although I was so happy, I didn't feel like I was ready to do it all over again.
The second time around was really hard for me. The first five weeks I didn't have any help at home, Darin had obviously gone back to work and mentally checked out of life really (who could blame him!). I had a 3,5 year old, a new born and I felt like I needed to run far far away. I had forgotten how to deal with such a small baby and felt like I was failing Noah every single day as I was not 100% there for him. Things did get easier and time went by so quickly and before I knew it, Elijah was a year old and walking and becoming his own little self! After this whole experience of having 2 children, I knew that I didn't want to have any more and although Darin wanted to wait a few more years so we could try for a girl I refused and so when Elijah was about 15 months we made an appointment with a urologist to look at Darin getting a vasectomy. Because of the way I have chosen to live my life: as natural as can be, lots of yoga and good food, I have never wanted to go for the contraceptive options like the Loop or the Mirena - I just can't put something like that in my body and Darin was fine with getting the snip. We went to the appointment and it sounded like an easy enough procedure but for some reason we put things on hold as life got in the way. I am still breastfeeding and haven't had a period in about 2 years, I knew there was no way I could fall pregnant.
Since October 2016 I've had a pretty steady Ashtanga practice and manage at least 3 times a week. I eat well and also managed to lose 12 kgs which has taken me about 7 years! In 2009 I was put on some anti-depressants to manage my anxiety and depression with the intention that I would eventually be able to be off them. With all my good eating and my discipline in yoga, I took it upon myself to get off my medication and boy did things take a turn for the worse.
I went down to half for an entire course (about a month and a bit) and eventually got done to a 1/4 which is 5mg and halfway through the course I started to spiral out of control. Everything in my life felt extremely overwhelming. I would dread getting out of bed every morning, it became too much just to switch the kettle on to make coffee nevermind make the boys breakfast or start on Noahs lunch for school. I was angry all the time and Darin and I would fight constantly. I would hide behind my phone and never be present with the boys and I'd lie awake at night completely exhausted and unable to switch my mind off. It never occurred to me that this was all because I was weaning off my medication. I had started practicing drop backs and so I thought all the backbends were bringing all my "stuff" out and forcing me to deal with things. This was also true but things were on a whole other level and I couldn't handle even the simplest tasks. Darin and I decided to go see someone as our marriage was taking its toll with all the fighting and the night before our third session, I lay awake and it suddenly dawned on me the reason behind why I hadn't been able to deal with life on life's terms - my brain was all messed up from trying to wean off the meds but I wasn't sure if it was because everything in my life was on a downwards spiral because of this or if things just happened to be happening this way. I decided to speak to the psychologist about it and she advised me to look at going back on medication. I know its very rare to meet a doctor that will tell you otherwise but I had begun to trust this lady and I feel like she came into my life at a very important time. She recommended another doctor to me who I could talk to who would prescribe my medication who I went to see the very next day.
Fast forward to about 10 days later, I was feeling much better but I was feeling very nauseous a lot of the time. I researched this and a lot of articles said that nausea was a side effect for about 2 weeks of starting new meds but it was weird as I was only feeling nauseous in the morning and at night before bed. Also, this medication was not completely new to my body - I had only been taking the generic form previously.
I decided to ask a friend of mine who recently started a similar type of medication a few months back to see if he was experiencing the same symptoms. He wasn't and he joked that I was pregnant and that it might be about time the third baby was due. I didn't find this amusing at all as you can imagine, but that thought stayed with me...
A few hours later I was in Clicks buying a pregnancy test, I left home in my slippers and rushed over there very impulsively. A woman walked into the store at the same time as me and landed up going to the same aisle as me (somehow I knew exactly which aisle the pregnancy tests were) and I pretended I was looking at Castor Oil of all things. I suddenly felt shy to pick up the test, which is so not like me, and I loitered around for a bit. Eventually I bit the bullet and lunged for the test and as I turned to speedwalk towards the till, I heard one of the shop assistants yell out "GOOD LUCK!" which I thought was a little rude to which I replied with the dumbest thing ever: "It's not for me! I already have 2 kids!" uuummm really Angie?? I don't even have words...
Anyway, off I raced home excited about the fact that my (regularly) full bladder could pee on the stick immediately as I got home. None of this first morning pee nonsense - I found out I was pregnant with Elijah at 6pm in the evening! - I was doing this now.
I watched the Control region line form and my heart skipped a beat as I thought no, that can't be the pregnancy line right, phew, no it isn't and then there it was... the test region line formed and very boldly at that and the obscenities just started falling out my mouth...
Here we go again. Onto number 3.
Fast forward to about 10 days later, I was feeling much better but I was feeling very nauseous a lot of the time. I researched this and a lot of articles said that nausea was a side effect for about 2 weeks of starting new meds but it was weird as I was only feeling nauseous in the morning and at night before bed. Also, this medication was not completely new to my body - I had only been taking the generic form previously.
I decided to ask a friend of mine who recently started a similar type of medication a few months back to see if he was experiencing the same symptoms. He wasn't and he joked that I was pregnant and that it might be about time the third baby was due. I didn't find this amusing at all as you can imagine, but that thought stayed with me...
A few hours later I was in Clicks buying a pregnancy test, I left home in my slippers and rushed over there very impulsively. A woman walked into the store at the same time as me and landed up going to the same aisle as me (somehow I knew exactly which aisle the pregnancy tests were) and I pretended I was looking at Castor Oil of all things. I suddenly felt shy to pick up the test, which is so not like me, and I loitered around for a bit. Eventually I bit the bullet and lunged for the test and as I turned to speedwalk towards the till, I heard one of the shop assistants yell out "GOOD LUCK!" which I thought was a little rude to which I replied with the dumbest thing ever: "It's not for me! I already have 2 kids!" uuummm really Angie?? I don't even have words...
Anyway, off I raced home excited about the fact that my (regularly) full bladder could pee on the stick immediately as I got home. None of this first morning pee nonsense - I found out I was pregnant with Elijah at 6pm in the evening! - I was doing this now.
I watched the Control region line form and my heart skipped a beat as I thought no, that can't be the pregnancy line right, phew, no it isn't and then there it was... the test region line formed and very boldly at that and the obscenities just started falling out my mouth...
Here we go again. Onto number 3.
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| Heading our way March 2018. |
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